2016 Electiongeddon Survival Guide: Ten Suggestions to Avoid Jabbing a Fork in Your Own Eye
The election for the next President of the United States is still eight months away, but we’re already losing our minds. City officials are considering pumping vast amounts of Xanax into the air. Facebook has become a vomitarium. At the caucus I attended, two guys almost came to blows right in front of a family of five.We are providing the rest of the world some much needed comedy relief, so let’s give ourselves a pat on the back for that. The Canadians are hosting Budweiser and Cheez Whiz parties in anticipation of the mass immigration in the fall. The Brits are grinning over their warm pints in their cozy pubs, describing America as “completely bollocksed up and buggered beyond repair.” The Swiss are apparently making an election rendition diamond studded watch (with spurs) that self-destructs on November 8, 2016.How in the name of Christopher Walken are we even going to make it to November? We cannot keep living through this level of crazy without some kind of survival plan.So, I present to you your 2016 Electiongeddon Survival Guide: Ten Suggestions to Avoid Jabbing a Fork in Your Own Eye. At the very least, it may provide you with a few moments of laughter, but I beg you to commit to at least one of them.
- Find a local watering hole, order a very tall beverage, and place a large placard in front of you that reads, “LET THE HEALING BEGIN.” I’m not sure what might happen, but I say it’s time to find out.
- Start a conspiracy theory that this whole election actually is a reality show, and its co-directors are Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The Republican debates alone are Emmy worthy. Come on, the tiny fingers thing? That is genius writing!
- Purchase a Trump wig and attempt to seduce your spouse while wearing it, a red tie, and nothing else. Except a hat that says, “Make the bedroom great again.”
- Cat Memes. Just make and share lots and lots of cat memes. But use cats dressed in Civil War uniforms. Cat General Custer? That is funny!
- Infiltrate either party’s National Convention this summer and perform a solo Flash Mob to Thriller. Only instead of dressing up like a zombie, dress up as Jangles the Clown from Inside Out, and at the very end, scream, “In it to win it!”
- Let’s bring the love back to Facebook. Instead of sharing your political rants, create a campaign to bring Farmville back. And take that quiz, for crying out loud. Find out which “Saved By the Bell Character” you really are!
- Whenever anyone asks who you’re voting for, insist that you’re writing-in Violet Crawley, The Dowager Countess of Grantham. She would rule this country like a boss.
- Write a note of apology to your spouse for attempting #3. Come on. That was a little over the top, even for you.
- Start dreaming about that third party candidate that will turn this election over to Congress to decide our 45th President. Just say these names with me: Mitt. Jeb. Kanye. Mitt. Jeb. Kanye. Say these names until the giggles fall like rain.
- Come to think of it, you might want to try jabbing your fork in your eye. Just a little.
It’s a crazy time, friends. But don’t move to Canada just yet. We shall overcome!* * *
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