It Was the Question that Did It

We are in the season of resurrection, called Eastertide in the church calendar.During this seven week season, as the drip drip drip of spring gives birth to flowers and leaves and all kinds of new life, we are reminded that the central premise of the whole Story is that everything can be made new. And the dripping and thawing and birthing all started with a Palestinian carpenter who was raised from the dead.The waters that formed around those first drops now ripple out to you, me, and all of the rest of the beautiful things on planet earth.And so in this season of resurrection, I imagined Peter and how his own heart was mended and made new after that awful night when he lost (and cursed) his best friend. I imagined him on that beach, when he saw his friend again, luminous and new.I imagined him being made new, too.Can you go there?* * *Do you love me?This was the question that Jesus asked me after all of the craziness, all the betrayal, and all the bitter tears. Jesus had come back from death and hell, and with the smell of frying fish lingering around us on the beach that morning, he wanted to know if I loved him. Utter lunacy.It all happened so suddenly. One minute we were sharing a meal together, and Jesus was talking like he always does, words wrapped in riddles and rhymes, most of which flew right over our heads. I drank a little too much wine that Passover night, but it was sweet and bitter at the same time, our love for each other pouring out like water washing the cobblestone streets of that crazy city. Maybe he had said he was going to die and come back, maybe he said it a million times, but I still couldn't believe it when it was happening. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.I did love Jesus, that’s the thing, but I was so angry at him, in that moment when I was talking to those servants while he was getting the holy hell beat out of him. It didn’t have to go down that way. He didn’t have to give himself up. Why were we even there? Everyone knew they were out to get him, Thomas even said it: If we go to Jerusalem, we go to die. Did I know him? I thought I did.But maybe I didn’t know him after all.Did I know the man who was supposed to be King of Israel? I did. Did I know the man who was supposed to restore the years of suffering to us, replacing them with years of joy and promise? I did. Did I know the prophet who finally provoked those feckless religious leaders, in bed with Rome and hand picking the pockets of every honest day laborer in Palestine? I knew that guy.But I am not sure if I knew the man who walked towards his own death, giving it all up, throwing it all away.Do you love me? That’s what he wanted to know. I thought I did. Maybe I never did. Did I?Do I?I told him I did, because of course I do. Then he told me to “feed his sheep.” He said that to me three times. Who is worthy to do that? And why wasn't he planning on doing it? And why were we talking about sheep?Do you love me?Do you love me?Do you love me?I know this isn’t going to make any sense, but his eyes were different after he came back. They had always dazzled, but now they were the sun; I couldn’t look at them for more than a few seconds. He was so earnest with me in that moment that I couldn’t look away. I can still feel the intensity of those eyes.He was asking me to do something. It was a moment I would never forget. After all the betrayal, he was asking me to follow him. Again.And I have to be honest, there was a part of me that was looking forward to just going back to fishing - for fish. I was excited, then exhausted, then disillusioned, then incredulous, and then standing on that beach all those years ago, I was just confused. What was he inviting me into? I wondered if I could I step into it. I wondered if I wanted to step into it.It was a threshold moment, and I knew I could choose. I looked back on my life, all the time spent on the water; my hands reeking of fish and my head ringing with questions. I looked back on some of the crazy things I said and did during my time with Jesus. And then on that beach, I looked forward into a future I couldn’t see, but I knew it was reaching out for me, calling me forward, inviting me in.Do you love me?What kind of crazy question is that? Whatever else it did, it gave me the courage to walk into that new space, and I never looked back.* * *What question is God posing to you right now, so that you can be made new? What lonely regrets do you need to walk away from, so you can walk towards the smell of fried fish and forgiveness?What is your question?Photo Source