The Complexful Life (and why I'm saying NO)

OK, out with it: I am intense. I am moody. My wife says I “have a flair for the dramatic.”I tend to let everything all the way in.People talk about that like it’s a positive trait – letting EVERYTHING in - but that would only be true if positive really means negative. I take something and not only run with it, but I pack it deep inside of me, like the too-ripe banana in your lunch box that smells and makes you gag when you attempt to eat it (but you attempt to eat it anyway).I don’t have a thick skin. My skin is like Velcro, or like whatever is the opposite of thick skin. I have highly absorbent skin. My skin has a huge welcome mat, and many guest rooms.On the days when I’m being more gracious to myself, I call this trait being complex and thoughtful. I’m complexful. Incidentally, that word will not be found on strengthsfinders, which is why I’m breaking up with strengthsfinders right now.When I carefronted one of my friends because she did something that obviously needed to be pointed out, she listened and owned it. It was a beautiful moment. But then called me back and ruined everything, by asking me to consider whether or not I perhaps might sometimes take things a little too personally.I told her that I’m complexful, and that’s what we do; it’s what gives us our mojo, and if we lost that, we’d become robots with hearts of stone, and she didn’t want that, did she? I thought that was a very complex and thoughtful question.Then I thoughtfully obsessed on my tendency to take things too personally for the next two weeks straight, seeing it peek out from underneath the floor mats and gather on the ceiling fans.Now, I know that there are some positive traits to letting EVERYTHING in. I feel things. I sense things. I sometimes respond in great ways because of my complexfulness. But it’s too much. Not EVERYTHING should get all the way in. There isn’t room in me for EVERYTHING.It’s time to tear down some of the guest rooms. Put away the welcome mat. It’s time to be a little choosier regarding that which I let ALL THE WAY in.I have a personal board. There’s only one person on that board. He’s from Boston, he’s 60, and he’s the kindest and wisest person I know. His role is to call out the seeds of life that are planted within me by God, so that they grow to produce more and more life. He says when that happens for a human being, it’s very good.Recently, he said this to me: “Steve, you’re going to have to find a way to feel something, and go down a little ways with it, but then come back up sooner.” Then made a little hand motion like a little dip down, then a quick rise. He’s always making hand motions. Even these hand motions are wise.Now, I’m not going to use complexfulness to figure out how to do this. I have to live my way into this. So here is what I’m doing, for the rest of the summer. If you are also gifted in complexfulness and are tired of it, perhaps you need to do this with me.

• I’m going to put a box by my bed and label it “OH, HELL NO.” Before I go to bed every night, I am going to write down the things that I’m choosing not to carry; things that are getting an eviction notice from my emotional tank.
• I’m going to accompany that exercise by saying the Lord’s Prayer, which is a way to remember that it is God who gives me what I need, and who helps me say OH HELL NO to the temptation to be my own source of life.
• I’m going to spend as much time as I can this summer with nourishing and fun people. Breezy people. People who can arrive at the airport less than two hours in advance of their departure. People who stay up too late and don’t worry about it. People who help me to come back up (the hand motion).
• When I notice I’m being too complexful -- letting something ALL THE WAY IN that shouldn’t be there -- I’m going to be out loud about it, and ask for help to rise up out of it.

Happy summer, people. Less complexfulness. More joy. Amen?