Stop Rehearsing Your Problems

For years, I have believed that the way out of a problem, issue, or conflict is through it.I still believe this is true.The problem is that during those years, I didn't move through most of my problems, issues, and conflicts. I just rehearsed them over and over again in my mind, imagining the worst about myself and others. I assumed that all of the thinking, processing, and rehearsing was actually moving through it.It wasn't, and it isn't.For example, when you are conflicted with someone, you hate the idea how much work it will take to talk to them. So you imagine the conversation in your mind over and over, and it usually goes something like this:Her: You are despicably wretched; you ruined my life & I am completely, utterly, and totally disappointed with every part of you as a human being.You: I know you are but what am I?You might say you're a conflict avoider, but the conflict is there, exuding from your pores; you can smell it. You're not avoiding it at all.Or, you might have made a mistake, and you keep pressing repeat in your mind, trying to make sense of it, to see it from all the angles. What you're actually doing is simply repeating this mantra, over and over again: I am terrible. I am terrible. I am terrible. Of course, it is valuable to think about why you said or did what you said or did. The issue is that most of us dive all the way into our problems, and we get trapped there because of shame. We cannot solve anything while we're inside of a cage of shame.I was recently convinced that someone for whom I have so much love, and so much respect, was deeply disappointed in me. So I rehearsed our conversations, over and over again, asking, "What did he mean when he said that? What could I have done differently? He's not seeing the whole story. How can I make this right?"I was completely trapped inside of my problem, and thinking about it over and over again was not helping.So I decided to meet with someone who knows a lot about how our minds and bodies are connected. She explained what happens in your mind and body when you experience significant events:

• When you experience a significant event (a disapproving look or comment from your boss), it passes through the filter of your experiences, values, beliefs, pain, etc. Everybody has different filters, so everybody processes the same event uniquely. 
• After the significant event passes through your filters, you assign meaning to it (I have failed at jobs before, I'm going to fail at this one, too).
• After you assign meaning to it, your body reacts to it physically by releasing the appropriate chemical to deal with it - seratonin for pleasure; adrenaline for fear (My boss is going to fire me, OH NO, OH NO, OH NO).
• This creates a behavioral response (exploding with anger at your boss, or retreating in fear and overcompensating by putting all of your energy into pleasing her). 

But the last thing she said is what blew me away.The real problem, she said, is that our bodies don't differentiate between observing something, experiencing it ourselves, or imagining it. Our bodies will keep responding to what our minds are rehearsing, whether it's real or imagined.So when you rehearse the conflict in your mind, and when you keep rehearsing the mistake you made, you're actually re-traumatizing your body, over and over again. Your body thinks it's happening again. When a conflict is actually happening, or a mistake is actually being made, your mind knows that there is a beginning to the experience, and an end to it. But when you imagine the scenario in your mind, there is no ending, so it just keeps going on and on.This is not good.So this woman said, "All this imagining, it's all made up, right? And of course, those things could happen. And it's even worse - things you can't imagine could also happen! But, since it's all made up anyway, why don't you stop, and try to imagine some different outcomes? Maybe even some positive ones?"My friend recently noticed that when her kids spill their drinks, because she is overwhelmed, the meaning that she assigns to it is that her kids are out to get her. Who hasn't felt that? In a second, adrenaline is surging through her body, and she yells.My friend is working on noticing those moments, and changing the filter. Maybe it's because my daughter is just four years old. Maybe she got excited. Maybe it doesn't have anything to do with me. Maybe she was trying to help her sister.It's possible that I could be fired, but, maybe my boss is just having a bad day.It's possible that my friend with whom I'm conflicted is the worst human being in the world, but maybe she's just in enormous pain.Here's what's helping me to stop rehearsing my problems, and actually move into some solutions:1. When I notice I'm imagining the worst, I stop. I imagine myself in a cage (because that's what it looks like to me), and say, "What I'm thinking is possible, but I'm not going to camp there. I'm leaving this cage." I actually say this out loud. And yes, it feels weird.2. I try imagine some different outcomes & meanings to whatever event I'm struggling to move through. When my friend confronts me because something I said hurt her, instead of assigning the meaning that I am a terrible person, perhaps it could mean that she trusts me enough to tell me something vulnerable. That might mean I'm growing as a person and as a friend. This is possible.At first, I thought that this was all power of positive thinking nonsense. But then I realized I was being powerfully affected by the power of negative thinking. So I decided to change that, and it's really, really helping.For those of you who are Christians, this is part of what it means to renew your mind.The cage of shame is too crowded. You can walk out and live a different life.Photo Source