Learning to Be a Human Being

by Steph SpencerSteph is one of the people who helped me jump off the cliff and start blogging. She is funny, deep, and knows how to encourage people (which is a rare and beautiful gift). You can follow her on twitter here and read her amazing blog here. I am addicted to achievement.It started when I was a high school student. I worked hard and got straight A’s. When that happened, I felt good about myself. Really good. There was something thrilling about knowing I did my best. And getting a score from someone else that proved I was succeeding? Well, that was like a drug.I brought the addiction with me to college, where my first major was biomedical engineering. Somewhere inside I think I figured the harder the major, the harder the job, and the better the fix I would find for my craving.But then, as God took hold of my life, I switched from engineering to social work, and then, after some turns of events, wound up in ministry.I thought when I switched directions, I left my addiction behind.I didn’t.Sure, my job as a children’s pastor brought questions like, “What do you do during the week?” and “Really, that’s a full time job?” But it also brought something else: appreciation. Parents who would tell me how grateful they were for all I did for their kids. Volunteers who would thank me for helping them find their niche.Even on the most frustrating days, it was a job that brought me the sense that I had done something meaningful. I had made a difference. I had accomplished something.Don’t get me wrong. I loved my job. The problem wasn’t the job itself. It was how I measured my worth based on my job.Then, came a switch.My husband got a new job in a new city, where our stay here would be only temporary. It did not make sense for me to work outside the home.I transitioned into life as a stay at home mom to our two boys.I know that for many, life of a stay at home mom would feel like a blessing: a wonderful opportunity to bond with your kids.But I was petrified.You never really get anything done in the role of stay at home mom. There are always dishes piled in the sink and laundry heaped in the baskets. And the kids? It’s not like they look at us at bedtime and say, “Thank you, mom, for helping me in my emotional development today. I feel further along than I did yesterday.”In many ways, I crashed and burned as I fought through need for achievement.But I also learned a lot.It is okay to achieve, but we cannot let our feelings about ourselves be dependent on our accomplishments.One big problem with an achievement addiction is that it’s culturally-accepted. We think it is good to work hard. To set goals. To strive to be better.This translates to the Church, too.  We are, after all, created in the image of God who works. Who creates and sustains and guides and saves.  And He gives us gifts that we need to steward well.But God’s worth comes from who He is, not what He accomplishes.We are not human doings. We are human beings. Yes, we can work. We can even enjoy our work. It is okay to be a person like me who gets a smile on her face when something gets crossed off her list.The trick, the real trick, is not letting our sense of worth get caught up in what we do.This is a hard-fought battle for me every day. Every day. I fight it when I try to be a “good” mom. I fight it when I try to have a “good” blog. I fight it now that I’m working in ministry again, and work to be “good” at what I do.But I am learning. I have recognized the damage that can come from jumping too hard into my goals. I long to jump, instead, into the arms of my loving God.